I think that the biggest problem people run into when they move in together is that they have different expectations...Don't try to absorb other people's opinions, beliefs, and advice unless it feels right to you. If it feels wrong, dismiss it and move on.
Thank you so much for the advice. I couldn't repost it all, but I read it and that's so helpful. You're right about doing what works best for US. What my mom, dad and sewing circle community did might have worked for them, but that doesn't mean it works for me and my bf.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissCeliaB
Here's something I wish I would have known:
People always say that living together is different than being married. That's simply not true. The only thing different is the way (some) people treat you, which may change how you feel about your relationship. People kept telling me that everything would change when we got married. Absolutely nothing changed...
THANK YOU because that has been a big fear for me. That as soon as we get married, suddenly he's going to become a different person (for the worse). I experienced a similar situation with my first boyfriend, but I have to remind myself that there were a ton of negative warning signs while we were still dating BIG STUFF, like him not wanting to open doors for me, or help me carry my laundry basket across the parking lot at midnight and into the dorm (we were in college)
I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm 42 and would never think that way about "women's work" vs. "men's work". For the record, my mother is 66, and she'd have none of that idea either. She was even a SAHM. She hasn't worked outside the home (other than volunteer work) since 1970. She did keep the house up and running, but Dad and I both knew that it wasn't HER job just because she did it.
I will have to say that #5 had a lot to do with my divorce, though. My ex-husband and I started out with an equally agreeable plan that worked for us. However, eventually it became more like a parent/child relationship due to a worsening mental disability. I did not sign on to raise a grown man, and the only way he was going to seek help was if I was completely out of the picture. So, I will agree that the parent/child thing didn't work for us.
I think my husband would agree with women doing a lot of the house work and cooking. But I don't, and we still share responsibilities. I think it comes from him being raised by a mom who was home all the time and was very obsessive about cleaning. He actually does quite a bit of cleaning in the house, which I'm very grateful for!
Unfortunately, this all sounds an awful lot like the way my parents operated. My mom was a stay at home mom who never went back to work, and dad has always been the bread winner. The housework is VERY gender-divided. For example, this past Thanksgiving was the first year that I didn't go home for Thanksgiving. A few days later, my mom and I were talking, and she was telling me that she hadn't used her good china at Thanksgiving dinner, because she didn't have me there to help her wash all the dishes, and so she wanted to use dishes that could all go in the dishwasher. I pointed out to her that she could have asked my brother or my dad to help her with the dishes. She reluctantly said that yes, she could have, but in reality, we both know that both of them would have put up a fight about being asked to help with the dishes. They would have helped, but they would have complained the whole time. This is how it has always been in my family, and it has always driven me crazy! I have no desire to ever be a stay at home mom, and I think this is probably one of the reasons why.
I think my husband would agree with women doing a lot of the house work and cooking. But I don't, and we still share responsibilities. I think it comes from him being raised by a mom who was home all the time and was very obsessive about cleaning. He actually does quite a bit of cleaning in the house, which I'm very grateful for!
DUH ALL OF US MEN would AGREE with woman doing a lot of the house work and cooking (all A to Z significant others excluded). WE ARE MEN! I am sorry to be so irreverent but this is thread just strikes so funny. Almost every thing that was purposed by Em_Catz's old friends and older family members is just so much like what I have heard back over 50 years ago from my OLDER family members.
Em_Catz Almost everything your A to Z friends have told you is correct and PC ....
NOW A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT (it is the Dad in me):
This is a boyfriend not a fiancé right?
An oldie but a goodie
"Why buy the cow when the milk is free?"
Why would a guy marry you when he is getting all the benefits of a wife without the commitment?
Now it may sound crude
BUT
the statement does have some merit
I say it with all the platonic love in my heart for you, I hope you and he, have a solid commitment to your relationship.
PSA over
BTW I will gladly be the inquisitor of this young man and give you a report on my findings
Ilovesummer I am 61 and I would never say it was woman's work (even if I thought it was!)
"it just aint right"
__________________
I'm A Curmudgeon with Panache
Proud Grandpa of Haley, Adam, step teenagers and a couple of step pre-teens. 9 in all
Retired Shop teacher, 35 years
Why would a guy marry you when he is getting all the benefits of a wife without the commitment?
Now it may sound crude
BUT
the statement does have some merit.
You all know I'm not usually crude, but... They also ask, "Why buy the pig when you can get the sausage for free?"
[COLOR="Red"]NOW A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT (it is the Dad in me):
This is a boyfriend not a fiancé right?
An oldie but a goodie
"Why buy the cow when the milk is free?"
Why would a guy marry you when he is getting all the benefits of a wife without the commitment?
Now it may sound crude
BUT
the statement does have some merit
I say it with all the platonic love in my heart for you, I hope you and he, have a solid commitment to your relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustMe
You all know I'm not usually crude, but... They also ask, "Why buy the pig when you can get the sausage for free?"
OMG, I love the sausage comment. Thank you Dave for looking out for me. In general, I think that's very good advice, but I also have to do what works best for me and the bf.
We have made a commitment to each other, are enrolled in pre-marital counseling and I can't reveal my sources, but I know he's purchased a ring and is planning to propose to me during our Christmas holiday with his family.
That's my platonic, daughterly hug to you for looking out for me Irish Dave.
DUH ALL OF US MEN would AGREE with woman doing a lot of the house work and cooking (all A to Z significant others excluded). WE ARE MEN! I am sorry to be so irreverent but this is thread just strikes so funny. Almost every thing that was purposed by Em_Catz's old friends and older family members is just so much like what I have heard back over 50 years ago from my OLDER family members.
Em_Catz Almost everything your A to Z friends have told you is correct and PC ....
NOW A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT (it is the Dad in me):
This is a boyfriend not a fiancé right?
An oldie but a goodie
"Why buy the cow when the milk is free?"
Why would a guy marry you when he is getting all the benefits of a wife without the commitment?
Now it may sound crude
BUT
the statement does have some merit
I say it with all the platonic love in my heart for you, I hope you and he, have a solid commitment to your relationship.
PSA over
BTW I will gladly be the inquisitor of this young man and give you a report on my findings
Ilovesummer I am 61 and I would never say it was woman's work (even if I thought it was!)
"it just aint right"
I hate when people spew that line of BS. It drives me crazy. I would never EVER marry a man without living with him first.
Granted I don't currently live with BF so perhaps I shouldn't even be replying, however, BF does stay with me most weekends and brings his laundry over to do.
He will help me clean the apartment when he's over. There's no rhyme or reason to who does what. He's a neat freak so he'll clean anything. I hate cleaning personally! We both like to cook and bake. I get home at about 4:30 if I don't go see horsey and he doesn't usually even leave work until anywhere from 5-7 so I anticipate when we do live together that I'll do more of the week night cooking.
Thank you so much for the advice. I couldn't repost it all, but I read it and that's so helpful. You're right about doing what works best for US. What my mom, dad and sewing circle community did might have worked for them, but that doesn't mean it works for me and my bf. 
